Job interviews are a piece of cake.

For a careers assignment, I had to interview Jon for his hypothetical job at ABC tutoring. We did it over msn, even though I had to grade him for things like "shows enthusiasm" and "shakes hands firmly," because it was easier. To aid our readers in preparing for any future interviews that they may have, I decided to post it here. Happy reading!

Josh says:

hello!

Jon says:

hello!

*shakes hand firmly*

Josh says:

*shakes back*

Jon says:

I am Jonathan Schneider!

Josh says:

wow!

Could you plz tell me a little bit about yourself?

Jon says:

Sure.

Josh says:

wrong!

the correct answer was no

Jon says:

Oh, sorry.

I'll keep that in mind for next time.

Josh says:

okay

now

tell me about yourself, or else.

Jon says:

Okay.

I am a Grade 10 male human who attends the University of Toronto Schools.

Josh says:

(I prefer elven ranger, but okay)

Jon says:

I have lots of experience in math, physics, and computer science, and as such, think that I am appropriate to fulfill the job of math tutor here at ABC tutoring.

Josh says:

Give examples of said experience.

Jon says:

Let me show you my resume.

Josh says:

I'm illiterate

Jon says:

*of course, I'm making eye contact all this time, while being very interested and enthusiastic*

Josh says:

*okay*

(after a considerable amount of time)

hm, have you shown me your resume yet, or are you still getting it?

(I happen to be blind as well)

Jon says:

I have just found it.

Josh says:

okay

Jon says:

Here, let me send it to you.

Josh says:

okay

Jon says:

*since it won't all paste in*

Jon sends:

(his resume was sent to me here, but I don't know if he really wants me to post it, so I won't.)

Jon says:

I would like to draw to your attention that the topcoder rating is outdated.

Josh says:

why'd you randomly write SAT tests?

Jon says:

My current rating is 1557.

Josh says:

ah

Jon says:

Because I finished the highschool math and physics courses then, of course.

Josh says:

lol okay

Jon says:

By the way, I happen to know a lot about ABC tutoring.

Including their excellent record in tutoring.

Josh says:

I request a reference regarding your 2007-2008 ACTIVITIES

Jon says:

ah

You can ask Mr. Louis Bernard.

He lives in Czechslovakia.

He can attest that I didn't randomly copy those activities off other people's resumes.

His email is lbernard@czechslovakia.com

Josh says:

could I have his phone number, please?

Jon says:

i'm sorry, you'll have to e-mail him for his phone number.

i don't have that piece on information at the moment.

*saying everything courteously and positively*

Josh says:

okay

I will keep that piece of information in mind when comparing you to other candidates who do have the phone numbers of their references

Jon says:

ok

Josh says:

continuing along,

why would you like to work here at ABC tutoring?

Jon says:

I think a job of a math tutor fits me well, considering my credentials, and ABC Tutoring can provide me with such an opportunity.

Also, the pay is very good.

Josh says:

do you really have the time to be engaging in such a time-consuming endeavor such as this?

Jon says:

Yes.

Josh says:

considering all the many things that you do?

Jon says:

Well, there aren't too many things that I do.

Josh says:

oh

Jon says:

Plus, I can always skip school to tutor for you.

So everything is alright.

Josh says:

okay, that is reassuring

now, can you please explain why you bothered to learn how to program in languages that have the same names as pokemon games?

Jon says:

Ruby is actually a pretty powerful language.

It's probably going to become more powerful in the future.

Especially for web-related programs.

Perl isn't exactly the same as Pearl, so it's not quite a pokemon game.

But Perl is also quite powerful.

Actually, the reason why they named Ruby 'Ruby' was to make fun of Perl, which sounds like 'Pearl'.

Josh says:

lol, okay

continuing along

please list a prime number of ways in which you are a better candidate for this position than wainberg, ignoring all previous experience

Jon says:

1. Wainberg isn't very good at math, as indicated by our math club meetings and contests.

2. Wainberg wants to work at the ROM.

that should be enough.

Josh says:

good

Describe a typical work week

with whatever work you plan to do here included

Jon says:

Well, i'll tutor once a week.

So my work week will look something like

Monday: School, then tutor.

Tuesday: School.

Wednesday: School.

Thursday: School.

Friday: School

and that's it

Josh says:

describe the other days of the week

Jon says:

Saturday: swimming and attacking things.

Sunday: attacking more things.

of course, I will be doing other stuff during the week, but those are the only things with a fixed schedule

Josh says:

okay

are you willing to travel?

Jon says:

yes, as long as you pay for my travel costs.

by travel, i assume you mean like, to indiana?

Josh says:

more like to madagascar

now

why do you think you would be sent to madagascar?

Jon says:

it's been repeatedly shown that madagascar students perform below average in math.

a math tutor could help them.

Josh says:

does ABC tutoring have a history of doing things like that?

Jon says:

yes.

Josh says:

to what countries have we sent people, and for what subjects?

Jon says:

well

you've sent people to nicaragua, to teach them spanish.

to madagascar, to teach them math.

to japan, to teach them japanese.

to china, to teach them science

to england, to teach them american history.

and that's about it, ignoring the few times you send people to eastern europe.

Josh says:

you have ignorantly forgotten the people we sent to the USSR back during the cold war

Jon says:

USSR is in eastern europe

Josh says:

but this was a major project

Jon says:

but it was a long time ago.

Josh says:

fine

Jon says:

plus, all the tutors were killed because the russians thought they were spies.

so no teaching actually happened.

Josh says:

good

your knowledge of ABC history is at an adequate level

Do you prefer to work independently or on a team?

Jon says:

independently.

Josh says:

why?

Jon says:

it's easier to sneak around unnoticed.

teams make too much noise and aren't stealthy enough.

Josh says:

do you think that this would be good or bad for your productivity as a tutor?

Jon says:

what?

Josh says:

that you like to work independently and sneak around unnoticed

like*

Jon says:

ah, this would be good

Josh says:

why?

Jon says:

i wouldn't want to be noticed by the person i'm tutoring.

that might distract them from learning.

Josh says:

what about those who are visually-inclined learners?

Jon says:

hardly changes things.

we just sneak around them and put pictures in front of them.

since we're not noticed, they focus on the pictures.

and we succeed, once again.

Josh says:

who is this we you are referring to?

Jon says:

i'm sorry, i can't answer that question at this moment

Josh says:

okay

Jon says:

if i told you, I would have to kill you

*i'm still being courteous, positive, interested, enthusiastic, and making eye contact by the way*

Josh says:

okay

now, let us continue to the second part of this interview: the hypothetical questions.

how would you answer the following question 50 years from now "Start with your graduation from college and explanation the rationale behind each of your career moves"?

explain*

Jon says:

1. I bought a Swedish castle because castles in Sweden are very cool and big.

2. I then proceeded to take over the world with my robot monkeys because I was bored.

that's it.

Josh says:

oh

I don't really see how the first is a career move

Jon says:

it is

i had to move my career to my castle.

Josh says:

oh

and what was your career?

Jon says:

tutoring math, of course.

(and building robot monkeys, but don't tell anyone about that)

Josh says:

okay

now

what happened in your career path that forced you to change to a career in world domination?

Jon says:

I got bored.

Josh says:

does this show your dedication to your job here?

Jon says:

yes

even though i switched to a career in world domination, i never stopped building robot monkeys.

or tutoring them in math, for that matter.

Josh says:

that's good

what benefits would you give to past bosses when in a world domination career?

Jon says:

i would let them rule new zealand.

and build huge mayan temples on new zealand

Josh says:

*in a flattered tone* how did you know I have mayan heritage?

Jon says:

I know all.

Scio omnia.

Josh says:

good

that is something we are looking for in candidates

Jon says:

That is good.

Josh says:

indeed.

Have you worked with someone you didn't like? If so, how did you handle it?

Jon says:

Like this:

(after some time, again)

Josh says:

I have a feeling that I dislike that response

*angry face*

Jon says:

I was wondering how long it would take you to respond.

Here is the continuation of the last statement.

http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20070907

Josh says:

hmm

4 scares me

Jon says:

Yes.

That's why I would kill her.

Josh says:

next question: explain 3 comics in which 4 was present, and what scary thing she did in each

(I can only remember 3)

Jon says:

http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20070905

Where she makes 2 say "GLARBLEGHK!".

http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20070907

Where she eats Pez

http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20061125

Where she eats mashed potatoes.

Josh says:

aha, it was a trick question: there is a fourth!

you should have known that!

find it now!

Jon says:

Of course I do.

http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20061124

You only asked me to explain 3 though.

Here she says "Amen".

Josh says:

well, there, you definitely should have said something

for there is also a 5th

Jon says:

You mean:

http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20070723

where she puts sharp objects into 1's eyes.

Josh says:

yes

good job

now,

Tell me about a time that you worked conveying technical information to a nontechnical audience.

Jon says:

No such time exists.

Josh says:

tell me how you would answer that question 50 years from now

Jon says:

How dare you ask me questions?! I own the world.

Of course, I would combine the ? and the !

to make the interrobang.

Josh says:

that is good

how would you answer that question a year prior to taking over the world?

Jon says:

No such time exists. Would you like to join me for tea in my Swedish castle?

Josh says:

I hate tea

Jon says:

Too bad.

I own a Swedish castle.

Well, I am going to play Halo now.

I hope you consider me for your job position.

Josh says:

wait, I have one last question

that is imperative

Jon says:

*shakes hands and concludes interview satisfactorily*

ok

Josh says:

do you have any questions regarding the job?

Jon says:

Yes.

Josh says:

good!

we will tell you if you are accepted with 50 years

now, be gone!

Jon says:

Ok

GL HF DD

Josh says:

I hope that this will be of great help in preparing for job interviews in the future. I'll probably post my puzzle in the near future. A plus tard!